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Or should I say, Kyle X Where?
Arrrrrgggghhh ye ready for a terrible movie?
I expected a straightforward battle between pirates and the Dutch East India company. Instead, Pirates 3 crammed enough plots for three movies into one incoherent mass of awkward scenes, poor dialogue, and boredom. Yes, boredom. Pirates’ mediocrity practically begged me to leave after twenty minutes. But I decided to give the movie a chance, hoping it would get better. Of course, it only got worse.
The charm of the “Pirate Code,” which worked so well in the first film, was beaten to death before this film even shoved off. Just when you thought that all the side stories and background had been explained, the writers added more. (sigh) Everything was arbitrary. While in the first Pirates there was a legit reason for undead pirates, this just continued to add fantasy hogwash (Calypso, More Davy Jones, the Realm of the Undead, etc) upon an already shaky plot. And the secondary characters received entirely too much attention — if only they’d shoved the lady witch doctor in a barrel of gun powder and lit the fuse. Come to think of it, you can toss Keira Knightly in the same barrell. (I finally realize why the coach preferred Jess to Jules in Bend it Like Beckham).
I left the movie nearly an hour before it ended. I’ve never left a movie theater early, until now. Shame on Regal for refusing to refund me even though I skipped the entire ending. They should be begging forgiveness after showing that awful movie.
I don’t have a ship, but I got robbed by Pirates.
A local channel airs Masterminds, a fascinating half-hour program examining some of the most talented criminals and meticulously planned crimes. It’s amazing how much talent is wasted on crime. Although you’d imagine a show like this would be encouraging crime, each episode explains how these criminals were caught. You’d think that if these guys were really “masterminds,” they wouldn’t be caught. However, most of these criminals aren’t caught because of poor planning or lack of ability. These guys get caught for one of two reasons: A: They employ low level criminals who get caught for something else and then rat them out -or- B: They get greedy instead of stopping while they’re ahead. One cat-burglar had cleared about a million bucks over three years of stealing. But she couldn’t stop. Eventually, you’re going to get caught. If not by savvy detective work, then certainly by blind luck.
On a sidenote: I’m not looking to encourage people to watch more TV. These TV reviews are more for people who are watching TV regardless, and want to check out some interestng programming.
Pirates are dying. I wrote and directed this pretty awesome documentary about scurvy. Go ahead, take a look: Stop Scurvy